Best Man

Right, I figured I’d put my best man’s speech on here since I have it all written out. There’s photos from the wedding here too. Click “More…” to see the speech… It’s not exactly as it was when I did it – it’s how it was in the planning stages a few days before the real thing. I doubt anyone recorded it, so I dunno what I really said…

First off, I would like to thank Nathan for toasting the bridesmaid, she does indeed look beautiful. I feel kind of strange speaking on her behalf since, as you can see, I am not a bridesmaid myself, although I do think I’d look quite good in that dress!

Now I’ve only known Nathan for 5 years, so I was surprised when he asked me to be his best man. But on reflection, I think he was swayed by the fact that I know very little about the first 18 years of his life, which therefore puts some rather embarrassing stories out of reach. Or so he thought. But with the help of his brothers, who I must thank now for not only sharing the stories with me, but for actually being involved in a few of them, I have plenty of material to work from. Most of the stories I am using today are given to me by others, so I take no responsibility for the truth or accuracy of the stories – they may have been embelished for comedy effect.

Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I think we all agree that Laura looks absolutely gorgeous today. Nathan, I think you’ve done extremely well. You’ve found someone who’s beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring. And Laura, well, you’ve got … Nathan. Who said marriage has to be a partnership of equals?

The first time Nathan was “exposed” to girls, and I don’t mean in the social sense, I mean in the physical sense, was forced upon him against his will. His loving brothers decided it was time the girls in the neighbourhood saw what Nathan was made of. They didn’t do the usual introducing him to a few girls, taking him out with them or anything like that. No, they stripped him naked and held him against the front window of their house. Just to make sure their intended audience noticed, they accompanied this by yells of “HELLO GIRLS!”. I think it was some kind of initiation into the Whillans cheeky nature – because they did start holding him with his bum pressed against the glass…

Another incident that one of his brothers was involved with led to Nathan gaining a new nickname, an obsession and an interesting pattern on his face. Poor, sweet, innocent Nathan was helping out around the house by refilling the gas-powered lighter for their hob. He was filling it from a larger gas bottle in the sink and the connection between the lighter and the bottle was somewhat “loose”. Aleck, in an attempt to scare his brother, took the broken electric hob lighter and started pretending to light the gas that was leaking out around Nathan. The problem was that the electric lighter wasn’t quite as broken as they thought. The fireball that came from the gas bottle made Nathan react to protect himself by covering his face with his arms. Good reactions I think, but unfortunately it left him with some triangular burns on his face where his arms hadn’t covered. It was because of this that he gained the nickname “singe” from his school mates, and, judging by his continuing obsession with fire, I think that nickname suits him. Tonight Laura, it’s meant to get hot & steamy, but if it gets smokey – best check Nathan hasn’t set fire to anything in the room.

I’ve given you some background to Nathan but this day is about Nathan and Laura as a couple, so how about I tell you about one of the first times Nathan met Laura… They were both in a bar with friends and Nathan was, as usual, messing around and got pushed backwards and fell onto a box. Now, as people do when holding a pint of beer, he managed to look after his beer and not spill any as he fell onto the box, but promptly got kind of stuck in the box. Now after a while, Laura ended up stood next to Nathan as he was in the box. Nathan, noticing the attractive woman next to him, did his best to impress her, but not in any traditional way… he spilt beer on her leg! I guess with a start like that, things could only get better!

Now, it wouldn’t be right to give a best man’s speech without some reference to that stag do, would it? For those of you who don’t know, we went paintballing for the day, during which Nathan got shot excessively, which may have been related to the fact that he had a big white cross on the back of his overalls for us all to aim at – he may even still have some bruises to show for it. That, in itself isn’t too worrying. What began to worry me was when we were preparing to go out for the curry and Nathan appeared sporting a purple fairy costume. That, of course, had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nathan mentioned to me the other day that the worst thing I could do was bring the fairy costume with me to show you. Well, I haven’t done that, but I think I’ve come fairy close (sorry!). So, for those of you that doubt that Nathan would ever be seen in such an outfit, I have brought photographic evidence for you.

The only problem I have now is; what on earth do you do with 2 A2 posters of your best mate in a fairy outfit? Anyone want one to use as a dart board? Or maybe I should hang onto them to use for bribery in case I need it…

I think that’s probably enough humiliation of the groom, so I’d just like to say a few serious words. [cue no-one thinking I’m serious]

In the time I’ve known him, Nathan has been a consistently good friend, he’s always been there when I’ve needed him and whilst I’m not a relative, he’s a true brother to me. I’ve only known him when he’s been with Laura, and seeing them grow together reassures me that their marriage will be happy and fulfilling for them both.

As I’m no speech writer, I’ll end on a quote from one of the best – Shakespeare.

“May God, the best maker of all marriages
Combine your hearts in one”

So I now propose a toast to the newly-weds.
To Mr & Mrs Whillans!

Author: Alex

I am X3JA